WARNING: May contain whining and negativity.
No pictures today. Just a little bit of a pity-party. And lucky you, you're invited.
So, I've been feeling out of sorts for a few weeks. It's been building. Normally I wouldn't blog about something like this, but I'm feeling the need to vent. Nothing is truly wrong, just feeling anxious, worried, insecure. Add to this a rough day at work, the kind where you feel completely incompetent and overwhelmed, and you get a sad, sad working mama. Yep, that would be me.
Life just feels so heavy today.
I know I should be thankful for all of the things that we have, and I am. Our supportive families: a mother-in-law who cares for our baby like he is her own (yet we've started exploring other daycare options), a stepmother who asked if she could please watch Miles for a couple of hours so that David and I could have some time to ourselves (which we did by going to a movie, and yet, I found myself thinking of what the three if us could have been doing together as a family during that time), a good job (but work challenges are overwhelming me at the moment).
And then there is the whole mothering thing. There are the useless and ridiculous questions that creep up on me. Am I doing everything that I can to be the best mom to Miles? Is he developing normally? Am I making the right decisions and how will they affect our family? Nine months old and Miles is not crawling, creeping, pulling up, or eating anything that is lumpy. Should I be worried? It's probably nothing. He's probably just a little behind developmentally. But I feel very anxious about this. I'm not a perfect mother. He's not a perfect baby. And I need to relax. And enjoy his oh-so-sweet, gentle, and happy personality. Really, I know we are very lucky.
But life is difficult sometimes, even for those of us with supportive families, good jobs and happy babies. Right?
Life just feels so heavy today.
11 comments:
Meredith... don't fret! Heavy days are terrible. I have those all the time... when the house is so dirty that the thought of cleaning just makes me want to spend all day in bed. With every bad day there are plenty of good days to come. But without those heavy days could we really appreciate the good ones? You have a sweet sweet sweet baby boy Miles who seems so easy-going and 'chill'. How lucky you are! Really!! I wouldn't worry so much about what he can't do yet. He's still a baby! And from what I can tell he is doing wonderful and developing just fine. The good thing is that smartness isn't determined by when a baby can crawl or creep or eat solid foods. Babies just all develop at different times and that doesn't make them better or worse than another baby. I don't doubt one bit that you are providing him with plenty of experiences for your little boy to develop that brain of his. You've inspired many of my outings with Joselyn and I think 'That is so good for a baby! Why didn't I think of that?" Miles is so lucky to have a mother that is so concerned for him and who loves him so much. That is seriously the best thing you can give a baby. You just wait and see... that little Miles of yours is going to surprise you one day. He's going to WOW you with his creativity and talents... a lot of which I'm sure he'll get from you! When you have 'heavy' days just look at Miles and how far he HAS come. Doesn't it just amaze you?? How could he have come so far without a sweet mother like you?
Oh honey, any mother has been exactly where you are right now. We have felt that helpless, heavy feeling, worried about everything. IT is so normal, and yet...when it is happening to you, well, it's happening to you and it doesn't matter so much what anyone else has gone through.
Please just know...you are not alone and you will get through it.
And most importantly, you are absolutely a good mom or you wouldn't be so bothered by it.
Hugs.
Merdi, what wonderful support you are receiving from your blogging friends, and how great is that!!? Perhaps it's time to accept that there is no such thing as a perfect mom and a perfect baby. What is, is. I know you won't stop trying, though. And, it's okay to whine every so often . . . love and kisses,
Mom
Meredith --
Have I told you that every time I read anything of substance you have written(like this)it always makes me cry? This is no exception. And...add to that the wonderful thoughts and feelings of those who care about you...let's just say I need to leave work soon or the folks I work with will think I'm a basket case. You are such a wonderful, beautiful, caring, intelligent person, and you always give your very best to whatever you do. So how can you possibly do better than your best, sweet niece of mine? Your mom is right, of course, that you do have whining rights. But after you've been there and done that I hope you will just get over it....You are really the only person who can lighten the load you know, because it's your perception that is creating that negativity in your head. Just know who you are, okay? Love, Auntie K.
A meredith at 50% is better than 95% of people who operate at 100%. So it's good that you're so hard on yourself because that will keep you from getting a big head.
I love Mason's comment.
Meredith,
I wanted to write a comment earlier when I first read this post but I couldn't seem to find the right words. Now I've read all of your comments and it seems like everyone else has said it all.
You are a great person. You are a great mom to Miles. Maybe if you can get out of your head a bit and just let yourself Be, things will begin to feel a bit less heavy. As Wesley says, it's something that we all experience so you're certainly not alone.
Try to keep in mind that proverbial wisdom that is often so appropriate..."This too shall pass". Not to make your experience seem insignificant but to understand that life is cyclical and it WILL get easier.
Hang in there,
With much love,
Sara
PS I love Mason's comment too!
I'm just now getting a chance to read the comments from you all and I just want to say thank you. Thanks for the support, and for providing a much needed perspective on things. I'm definitely trying to be present in the moment and that seems to help. It's been a busy and emotional week, but things are already starting to calm down. Thanks again.
Post a Comment